Yet for decades we haven’t really looked. Truly looking is extraordinarily difficult. 

We think we look at our routine, at our conflicts, at our relationships, at our habits. But all we do is have gesticulating thoughts about escapes and illusions. We don’t look at what is. Instead we hope, we attempt to fix, we intellectualise. We hope to be something and we are miserable because whatever we do, we are not. No matter the accolade, the wealth or the fame. 

As soon as we vaguely think about any part of our life, we are assaulted with thoughts about “what should rather be” or “ how will I do better next time”. We make a vague commitment that sounds like “never again will I do this or that”. 

And? It never works. We never change. 

We are not talking about changing jobs, or partners. We are talking about transformation. A change that never goes back.
When do we ever transform? Look around, how many people have we seen transformed in their lifetime? Despite extraordinary technical progress after thousands of years of civilization, what progress man has shown when it comes to peace, equanimity, and a full life?


We don't look where everything seems to begin, our mind.

And when despair is at its peak, we then think we are looking. But all we do is analyze. 

To analyse is not looking

Because to analyze is just a projection of our mind and its conditioning. When we analyse, we find in accordance with our pre-fabricated conclusions, hopes and ambitions. When we analyse, we stir the same thoughts over and over again. When we analyse, we don’t consider what is looking. When we analyse, we never look at this conditioning.
We seek the root cause of our existential sorrow. We debate about it endlessly and what has it really done for us? After decades, in disbelief, we ask “why nothing seems to work” and then maybe we will listen to ourselves. Indeed, nothing has worked.

In comparison to the effort we put into analysing, it is wild to observe how little we care about the tool that is looking: our mind. We don't understand it. We don’t look at it while it is looking. Our mind is responsible for this armada of thoughts that has defined our lives, and yet we never look at it, never question it.

We can live 60 years without truly looking. We can’t truly look until we understand what is looking.

What is the tool that is looking?

We have truly looked before. Even accidentally, we have had such an experience in our life. As a child, we came in direct contact with fear, without any volition of our own. When in a state of passive alertness that simply arose, we understood that this moment was fear. We didn’t debate about its cause. We didn’t rationalise it.  We didn’t explain this moment. We didn’t think about being courageous - this is what the mind does when it analyses. We were in direct contact with this moment. We did not seek to be in contact with this moment. It happened. Almost like an accident. A child innocently comes in direct contact with fear. And when it happens, the fear disappears. The force that squeezed the child's heart suddenly is lifted. Fear has dissolved. The problem of fear has dissolved. 

In this moment, the mind is quiet. It was not made quiet. It is quiet. There was no volition of the child that made the mind quiet. It was quiet. There was no volition of the child to look in order to be free of fear. The child looked with intensity at “what is”, innocently. Almost by accident. Without volition. Without appetite for freedom. This passive alertness was not aimed at anything. It came in direct contact with fear. And instantly, the child was free of fear. The child could almost feel within the dissolution of fear. 

This is looking. This is coming in direct contact with “what is”.  In a flash of understanding, the child understood and fear dissolved. We have accidentally experienced this before. 

And as we consider now such effortless resolution of fear, our mind demands: “how should I get this?” “what method should I use to achieve this?”. 

By jumping to achieving results, this is our mind looking again. This is our conditioning. This is the litany of thoughts we have all the time. How to achieve? How to gain? How to be a success? How to have peace? 

There is a very high wall of thoughts that stands between us and the thing being observed. And so, we do not look. We only add a brick to this wall of thoughts, thought after thought. 

As we notice our mind having opinions about what is being observed, we are observing our mind that is looking. We are catching this wall of thoughts. We are observing our inattention. And doing so, there is attention. Inattention is responsible for the chaos. As one attempts to observe existential issues in one's life, what one finds first is our mind and its conditioning. Not the truth about what is being observed. One finds first the mind and its minions: thoughts.  

To look without thought

And it seems extraordinarily difficult to look without our thoughts., To simply look at what is, without debating, without hoping, without fixing. As soon as we look at anything, we are desperate to fix what we are looking at.

Imagine looking at your child, and as long as you look at your child the only thought that consumes you is “How can I fix my child?”. Will you know your child? Does your child need to be fixed? Will you understand your child? 

When we examine our own life, we look as we look at this child. With the same screen of ideas that consumes us. The idea that we need to fix, achieve and improve. And so, as we don’t see this child, we don’t see what is. Our hopes, expectations and ambitions are all there is. This wall of thought is all we are in contact with. And when one catches it, when one comes in direct contact with one’s mind and its conditioning, its intentions, its agenda, something within changes. Something is understood. Something is seen directly. And there is freedom. There is an understanding of the tool that is looking. The mind is seen gesticulating with its hopes, its fears, its urge to achieve and fix. 

A quiet mind is a rare occurrence in our lives. We may have forgotten what a quiet mind is. But we have known this before. What is the interval between two thoughts? This is quietness. 

And so as we are looking at the series of opinions in our mind on “what should be”, we come in contact with “what is” - the wall of our conditioning. This is our most immediate reality. We look at the wall of our conditioned mind attempting to observe the first issue we wanted to look at. And as you experiment with this, you will probably be waiting for this conditioning burden to be lifted off your shoulder so that you can fix the issue you are first interested in. It won’t work. This expectation to fix is the conditioning. You demand a result as you attempt to look, and so you are not looking.

Words do not open doors 

We have had this experience before, when you look at the sky and you are in direct contact with what you are looking at. This immediate contact is lost the moment thought arises: “this is beautiful”, “this is the milky way”. That short instant you were in direct contact with the sky. In that short moment, there was quietness. There was no mind. In that short moment, there was no distinction between the observer and the observed. 

Experiment with this, with feelings. Do not name the feeling as it emerges within you, you will remain with the feeling a moment longer. Just a moment longer. And these moments are pure and quiet.
Death is the end of consciousness. Death is the end of the ability for this alertness. So it is understandable why so many of us feel so empty and dead inside. This alertness is so rarely experienced. All we have is our thoughts. So we are walking but dead, incapable of looking, incapable of finding reality. 

Some of us are haunted by the fact that we are empty. And the confusion grows within us. And this passion and sincerity are haunting us. As one understands the words verbally, confusion grows within. Because still nothing has changed. How many books and philosophers has one read? One has nothing to show for it.
Because words do not open doors. Words do not look. If they did, we would have many Buddha or Jesus around the world. 

Our inattention is responsible for our empty lives. This is of no help to anyone until the conditioning of our mind is truly understood. We read everything from a place of conditioning that demands  “I must achieve”, “I must have a great life”, “I must get the outcome that is spoken”. Maybe this sincerity and passion to look can only be refined as one run down millions of dead-ends. Or maybe one does not need to waste decades running down dead–ends. 

We are desperate and we don't actually understand. Desperation for an outcome, for a method, for a reward is again our mind. We are looking via the mind. We are so used to it. There is nothing to do to look, but to perceive the gesticulation of the mind looking. Attention is elicited by actually perceiving the inattention of the mind. This is how it can start. By catching inattention, attention takes over. And the mind is pushed in a corner and from that corner it can operate and function very efficiently when required. 

"This is misery. This is home." 

We are so comfortable with our problems. There is such incredible inertia. We lie down with our problems and claim at the same time: “this is misery, this is home”. 
And for some of us, something vibrates within us when we read these words.  We understand the truth verbally but not with our bones. And for us, it can get worse before it gets better. Because to be close, and yet, not there at all, is infuriating… And here again we catch our mind. It demands progress, outcome and achievement. It is our conditioning. This is our misery. This is our home. We have not left it yet. 

Tell me, when a child starts painting does he need a result?

Picture a builder. It is your mind that attempts to build a new pyramid exactly on the ground where an old pyramid already stands. This old pyramid is there to see for those who look. But to the builder, to your mind, it can't see the old pyramid. The builder is furious he is not getting anywhere with his pyramid. Not knowing why. Your mind is a pyramid of thoughts, and this pyramid is your life. You are desperate for a new one, but maybe life is no pyramid at all, but a blank slate experiencing everything anew.